A Typical Sunday School Lesson

Me: Good morning everyone! How was everyone's...Kevin, what's in your hand?

Kevin: Nothing.

Me: Kevin...

Kevin: A nintendo DS.

Me: Okay, well I don't want to see it again this...

Other kids: Cool! A DS! They're soooo much better than PS2. No they're not. Yes they are. No they're not. Yes they are. Etc.

Me: Pat your head! Rub your tummy! Do both at the same time! Put your finger to your lips! Don't move your lips!

Derek: I can still move my lips! Look! Mwa mwa mwa mwa...

Other kids: Me too! Mwa mwa mwa mwa...

Me: Okay everyone, that's enough. Let's mark the roll. Lucy?

Lucy: Here!

Me: Ricky?

Ricky: Here Miss Vanessa.

Me: Chloe?

Chloe: Here Nessy.

Me: Derek?

no answer.

Me: Derek? Derek, you're here!

Derek: I'm not Derek. I'm Scott!

Me: Okay, Scott?

Derek: I'm not here Vanesee! hehehe

several hours later...

Me: Okay today we're looking at Acts chapter 1 verse 1,

Mike: Yes, one verse!

Me: to 26.

Kids: awwww....

Me: Now who can tell me who this book was addressed to?

Derek: Brendan Nelson bashed Kevin Rudd yesterday.

Me: Yes, no, wait, Derek. We're not talking about Kevin Rudd...

Derek: We're talking about Brendan Nelson.

Chloe: Do you even know who Brendan Nelson is?

Derek: I know! And I know him betterer than you do!

Mike: Look! I'm jumping on the filing cabinet!

Me: Mike, get off the filing cabinet. Issac and Nathan, if you don't stop talking I'm going to have to separate you. Chloe and Derek. We are not talking about Brendan Nelson. Yes Jasmine?

Jasmine: Theophilus.

Me: What? Oh yeah. Right, the book was addressed to Theophilus, very good! Here's a chocolate.

Derek: Wait what? There's chocolate! You didn't tell me that! How do I get a chocolate?

Me: I'm only giving them to the people who behave or answer a question correctly. Yes Chloe?

Chloe: Paul was Saul.

Me: Uh, yes. That's correct.

silence.

Chloe: Do I get a chocolate?

several minutes later...

Me: ...and so the diciples were told to go to Judea, Samaria and where?

Kids: To the ends of the earth!

Me: Very good. Now we're going to play a game...

UTTER CHAOS FOR 10 MINUTES.

Me: If everyone isn't quiet, no one can play the game.

Mike: Yayyyy!!!!

Me: No, not yay Mike. It's a really fun game. (feels tug on end of jumper). Yes Ricky?

Ricky: Miss, I really need to go to the toilet. I've been trying to hold but I can't any longer...

Me: Yes go, no run. Nathan, what's wrong?

Other kids: Gah, he's always sulking. Stop sulking..

Me: Shhh. What's wrong?

Nathan: (angry lines coming off head). I CAN'T SEE THE BOARD!

Me: You don't have to see the board. We're playing a game now.

Nathan: (angry lines dissipating) Oh. Okay.

Several minutes later...

Me: Okay, let's have three prayer points for closing prayer. Yes Mei?

Mei: More rain!

Me: Okay that's good.

Misha: More water!

Ryan: The dams! The dams! THE DAMS! WE'RE GOING TO DIE WITHOUT THE DAMS!

Derek: Brendan Nelson. I think he's depressed.

Me: Okay, something not water related. And no Derek, nothing to do with Brendan Nelson.

Chloe: I want to pray for this boy at youth. You guys wouldn't know him because you don't go, but anyway, he's my friend. So yeah. I go to youth.

Me: Um, okay, maybe you can pray for him at home in your individual prayer, but something for now.

Mei: The pandas.

Me: Okay, I'll take that. Let's say endangered species. And one more...

Kevin: My Nintendo DS.

Me: Individual prayer Kevin, individual prayer. Derek, come back, sit back in your seat. It's not time to go...yes Jasmine?

Jasmine: That we have the strength to tell our friends about Jesus.

Me: What? Oh yeah, that's a great prayer point Jasmine. Okay, who's going to do closing prayer. No Mei, we're let someone else do it. No Derek, last time you prayed in double dutch. Okay, Issac you can do it. Everyone, bow your heads, close your eyes and put your hands together. Kevin, put your hands together, not around your DS. Okay, you can start now Issac.

Issac: Dear Heavenly Father Oh Lord Jesus Man, thank you for water, but please give us more. And let the small populating animal species not die so we have more food to eat. And the thing that Jasmine said. In Jesus' Almighty Holy Moly name, Amen.

Kids: Amen.


And Amen to that! I thank the Lord for the opportunity to teach all these wonderful kids about God...and for giving me such amusing lessons every Sunday!

Peace out.